Life

Life is beautiful
Life is messy
Life can be predictable
Life can take your breath away
Life is difficult
Life is constantly changing without your consent

Life... There are days I cry myslef to sleep. Days I cry myself through. Days when I wonder when it will all be "normal"...Or will it ever?

Perhaps you find yourself in such a state. What advice would you offer and/or do in such instances?

The Unmaskable

We had gotten some coffee a while back  but for some odd reason it was bitter.

No matter the number of packages of sweeatner added it didn't budge.
Tons of creamer was added-not an ounce was given.
And that's saying a lot with Mark fixing it for me. (When he fixes something he doesn't do it half-hearted).

The lesson?

Bitterness cannot be masked.

Sin is unmaskable.

Outward conformity, sound like, look like just isn't going to secure your eternal destiny.

Time flies when you're having fun!

Greetings! It's been a good while since my last entry.

The short of the long?
-found this dude...(rather he found me) online
-he flew out to meet me
-I flew out to visit...
-he proposed(had me totally clueless) and I said "Yes." 
-moved out to his neck of the woods (6mos. before we wedded)
-November 8, 2015- our wedding day!!!
-our precious bundle of joy arrived end of August :)
-move!            

Overcomer

…FAITH FOR THIS 1 STEP...

She'd seen the hand of the Almighty in her life just months before. But in this dark moment it seems that everything is nothing but wasted material. There she stands awaiting for the garbage truck to appear to pick the remaining debris from the daunting storm.

There I was caught in thought of a childhood notion. You know, the days when parents were loving and life couldn't go wrong at all? Special gifts, an outing, a pretty dress and the feeling that mom and dad loved you dearly… Then as one wakes from a dream, a bad day faces us. Maybe you shove little brother who took away my toy and older sister tells me it's nap time. Mom is tired and tells me to quiet down. And of all days peas is served for dinner. It's just not a good day. You feel mom doesn't want to spend time with you. Or dad isn't 'present'. "What is wrong?" you wonder.  I recall a sibling of mine, after having being reprimanded by a parent, the words came flying out(strong enough to cut the thick air), "You don't love me! Because if you did, you wouldn't treat me like that."

Or how 'bout when adolescent years are reached. There are still days that are wonderful and full of happy moments. Days when heartaches overcome us and trying circumstances bite us at our heels. We sense these days are more full of roller coaster rides. Will they ever stop? And of course being in the teens it is naturally justified that 'someone else is to be blamed.' (That is all in jesting).

Speaking from first hand experience, I very well recollect the angst which would overwhelm me from day to day. Held in the grip of who knows who, there was a season I didn't care beans how I behaved but after that becoming tiresome an attempt was made to turn the rudder… Only it was most difficult. I went from one day being lavished much love to days I'd thought hell had come to welcome me home. This 'love' felt fickle. Love could be bestowed or withdrawn…all from the same source. I found myself questioning, "How could they say they love me but at the same time punish by withholding affection?" It was based on performance.

As I've journeyed on my own pilgrimage, I've found myself questioning the Creator. Detesting the seasons when affection wasn't felt through the tough times. I found myself doubting His goodness. I wrestled with the good He had done in days gone by, compared to the current state I found myself in. "If God is good, why does he allow painful experiences?" It was as if I were telling him, I thought You were good, (reminiscing past happy memories), but right now You aren't…thus, You are not good. Who's love is fickle now?

For the past month+, this breakup has been nothing short of the most painful and lamentful time of my life. And it took a stranger who hardly knew me to speak life into my fainting heart. Letting someone into my innermost life is very hard for me. I'm very much an introvert and probably overstress  my  need for privacy. But this circumstance has taught me(through a friend's strong encouragement) that I needed to reach out for help. "Me, ask for help? No, never!" I fought this advice. I didn't want to speak about it, him and the whole caboodle. I wanted rather to just stay between me and God. Surely we can get through this, right? If you are like me, chances are, you don't want to expose any of it. If only we could find some way to lay it to rest. But that is exactly what the Body of Christ is meant for. To help us through out trials and heartaches. Needless to say,  that is what God used to help me to another step of healing of this season. Yes, I've seen God's fingerprints and could without a shadow of a doubt the paths He'd led me and though right now I'm not happy with my present circumstance, it doesn't negate His former workings. Which is what I'd done. I KNOW God is good but my hurting heart didn't stay on Him. Thus I doubted His goodness. How could I point a finger at God and tell Him He isn't good??

I don't know 100% why He's led me down this path. Though this past week(Nov. 13, 2013), I've been doing some quiet contemplation in the midst of work, crazy last minute shopping for a Christmas Decorating Party, and the excitement of Christmas music whilst putting up garlands and wreaths. It's brought me joys and tears as I've relived the different times God showed up:

My first God-encounter was when He gave me, "You're MY Beloved."

Having fallen hard, He gave me a dream of a lamb which had gone astray, the shepherd broke the little lamb's leg, bandaged it and carried it over his shoulder toward home. The song 'Beloved' spoke volumes.

"You are Mine" was spoken a few days before my breakup would occur. Is. 43:1(and the majority of that chapter) was also given..  'Oceans' was given as a great comfort as well.

"By this I know that you delight in me…"

I think I'm getting it. I am God's. He treasures me. He calls me His Beloved. No longer does it matter what I've been told, heard or will ever hear; I have been claimed by God, "You are Mine." and that is enough. No, I don't know why all this is happening but He's given faith for this 1 step forward.  And it is enough for me. I am extremely grateful to God for using a friend to speak life into me. Yes, I choose to hold onto Him who never fails.

and i wish you were here

how could 1 person leave such an empty chasm in another's life?

yes, i miss you. life isn't the same without you in my life and i don't know if i'll ever return to 'normal'. all the 'little things' are numerous in my memory and there are times i wish that i could erase history. for they haunt me. little did i know just how much i cared and loved you. it almost scares me to death. i'll get over you; but not without a fight...

you'll go down in history

as a bad memory

"You don't need to know why"

Through tears I recall the numerous accounts of my childhood days of over and over being told, "You don't need to know why." Referring to a certain way of following directions. Just tonight it hit me. As I look out my window I see a person in a wheelchair and wonder what their story is. Why is 'he' a cripple? What was the cause? Why should he suffer in such a way and not another? All these 'whys' going through my head send me for a spin. I hurt for those who hurt. I don't like to see people suffer as I don't like to have to go through suffering.

Then I ponder again, perhaps it's okay not to know why. It's okay that I don't understand the reason behind the many tears drenching the pillow at night, the small child which has to suffer while they haven't committed some evil crime worthy of such punishment. Or why loved ones should have so much health issues and each avenue pursued should only lead to a dead end.

It seemed my question was answered with, "You don't need to know why." To be honest, I don't like that answer. I want to know why. I want to understand the reason for such circumstances. I don't need to know everything...just this one...for now.

Is faith perhaps anything relatable to this picture? This triggers a passage to my recollection, John 21, "If I will that he remain till I come, what is that to you? You come and follow me." Perhaps my Heavenly Papa is like that. He wants my obedience; not grovel with the whys, wherefores, and 'must it be so'?

And so the true test is this, am I willing to resign to His bigger picture without further explanation? To rest in the thought that I may never comprehend the ins and outs of His doing? One consolation for sure is that He makes no mistakes. And I may trust Him fully without due reservation.

This is a song that I've been trying to learn to sing from my heart:  The Perfect Wisdom of Our God by Keith and Kristyn Getty:

Oh grant me wisdom from above, 

To pray for peace and cling to love, 

And teach me humbly to receive 

The sun and rain of Your sovereignty. 

Each strand of sorrow has a place 

Within this tapestry of grace; 

So through the trials I choose to say: 

“Your perfect will in your perfect way.”