There I was caught in thought of a childhood notion. You know, the days when parents were loving and life couldn't go wrong at all? Special gifts, an outing, a pretty dress and the feeling that mom and dad loved you dearly… Then as one wakes from a dream, a bad day faces us. Maybe you shove little brother who took away my toy and older sister tells me it's nap time. Mom is tired and tells me to quiet down. And of all days peas is served for dinner. It's just not a good day. You feel mom doesn't want to spend time with you. Or dad isn't 'present'. "What is wrong?" you wonder. I recall a sibling of mine, after having being reprimanded by a parent, the words came flying out(strong enough to cut the thick air), "You don't love me! Because if you did, you wouldn't treat me like that."
Or how 'bout when adolescent years are reached. There are still days that are wonderful and full of happy moments. Days when heartaches overcome us and trying circumstances bite us at our heels. We sense these days are more full of roller coaster rides. Will they ever stop? And of course being in the teens it is naturally justified that 'someone else is to be blamed.' (That is all in jesting).
Speaking from first hand experience, I very well recollect the angst which would overwhelm me from day to day. Held in the grip of who knows who, there was a season I didn't care beans how I behaved but after that becoming tiresome an attempt was made to turn the rudder… Only it was most difficult. I went from one day being lavished much love to days I'd thought hell had come to welcome me home. This 'love' felt fickle. Love could be bestowed or withdrawn…all from the same source. I found myself questioning, "How could they say they love me but at the same time punish by withholding affection?" It was based on performance.
As I've journeyed on my own pilgrimage, I've found myself questioning the Creator. Detesting the seasons when affection wasn't felt through the tough times. I found myself doubting His goodness. I wrestled with the good He had done in days gone by, compared to the current state I found myself in. "If God is good, why does he allow painful experiences?" It was as if I were telling him, I thought You were good, (reminiscing past happy memories), but right now You aren't…thus, You are not good. Who's love is fickle now?
For the past month+, this breakup has been nothing short of the most painful and lamentful time of my life. And it took a stranger who hardly knew me to speak life into my fainting heart. Letting someone into my innermost life is very hard for me. I'm very much an introvert and probably overstress my need for privacy. But this circumstance has taught me(through a friend's strong encouragement) that I needed to reach out for help. "Me, ask for help? No, never!" I fought this advice. I didn't want to speak about it, him and the whole caboodle. I wanted rather to just stay between me and God. Surely we can get through this, right? If you are like me, chances are, you don't want to expose any of it. If only we could find some way to lay it to rest. But that is exactly what the Body of Christ is meant for. To help us through out trials and heartaches. Needless to say, that is what God used to help me to another step of healing of this season. Yes, I've seen God's fingerprints and could without a shadow of a doubt the paths He'd led me and though right now I'm not happy with my present circumstance, it doesn't negate His former workings. Which is what I'd done. I KNOW God is good but my hurting heart didn't stay on Him. Thus I doubted His goodness. How could I point a finger at God and tell Him He isn't good??
I don't know 100% why He's led me down this path. Though this past week(Nov. 13, 2013), I've been doing some quiet contemplation in the midst of work, crazy last minute shopping for a Christmas Decorating Party, and the excitement of Christmas music whilst putting up garlands and wreaths. It's brought me joys and tears as I've relived the different times God showed up:
My first God-encounter was when He gave me, "You're MY Beloved."
Having fallen hard, He gave me a dream of a lamb which had gone astray, the shepherd broke the little lamb's leg, bandaged it and carried it over his shoulder toward home. The song 'Beloved' spoke volumes.
"You are Mine" was spoken a few days before my breakup would occur. Is. 43:1(and the majority of that chapter) was also given.. 'Oceans' was given as a great comfort as well.
"By this I know that you delight in me…"
I think I'm getting it. I am God's. He treasures me. He calls me His Beloved. No longer does it matter what I've been told, heard or will ever hear; I have been claimed by God, "You are Mine." and that is enough. No, I don't know why all this is happening but He's given faith for this 1 step forward. And it is enough for me. I am extremely grateful to God for using a friend to speak life into me. Yes, I choose to hold onto Him who never fails.
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