He gives and takes away...

Last Friday morning my Great Aunt Hazel passed away. Yes, she was quite the lady having celebrated her 99th Birthday. Not only was she my Great Aunt but she was more like a third grandmother. She had a special place in our hearts. Though I came at the latter part of her life yet she's still left an impression that shall continue with me for the rest of my days. It could be said of her she still had her wits about her up to last years' birthday when things digressed drastically. She was the oldest of 8 kids. She was a strong woman, sure in her beliefs and adamant in her walk with her Jesus. I am witness to seeing that living (now dead though her legacy continues) steadfast yet quietly cultivating her relationship with the Lord. I remember the first time witnessing for myself with Bible open in hand reading. How precious that picture was to me. My heart leaped for joy to know that she wasn't embarrassed to be seen in His word. She'd often recall God's mercies and protection. And when she'd recount stories of days gone by, she still acknowledged His hand through it all. Wow, I want to become an old beautiful lady just like my Great Aunt Hazel. She is worthy of being imitated.

Having been gone over the weekend engaged otherwise, it was difficult to go through the mourning process. It has been hitting hard today. It seems like a part of me has died as well. Part of me hates funerals. It is saying 'Goodbye' to a dear friend/family and feel the separation and distance which comes with one passing away. Sure the last year had been a bit difficult as she digressed in her health, yet somehow her being alive made it alright. Now she is gone. She was so giving of herself...always working with her hands most studiously leaving behind some little blessing for the dear cousin, grandchild, niece or nephew. (She loved to crochet, quilt, and all sorts of sewing crafts). Yes, there will be many tears to shed come Thursday.

Each funeral which I attend always calls to remembrance my own mother's passing away. I remember it ever so vividly even though I was a child of 6.

'She knew her mother had struggled with her health but to what extent was beyond her understanding. It still seems as if it all happened in a blink of an eye looking back now. Did her little mind really know what all was taking place? Looking back she wondered why God let her remember certain events in more detail than others! It was dusk and the sun had long ago set and the shadows of the trees grew bigger and darker as bed time drew near. All was silent. All that is except the breathing of her mother and brother. She finally drifted into slumber land. How vividly she remembered getting up in the middle of the night and going back to bed only to be awakened again by the coolness which was sensed because the blanket had been pulled away. Wait. "Where's mom?" "Why isn't she in bed?" As she felt around and trying to adjust her night vision she finally spotted her lying there on the floor. But why was she laying down at the opposite end of where the head of their bed was located? It would be one thing if she had fallen out but quite another to be totally misplaced. Quite confused as to why she would be on the floor she proceeded to waken her up and help her back in bed. "Mama?" "Mama!" Not a movement was seen. The girl then shook her again. No response. At this point she was getting a little perturbed. So the next logical thing was to wake her brother up. Much to her disappointment, he was unsuccessful as well. Then it sank in. "No, don't take away my mama!" " Mama, you can't go...not now!" All sorts of fears filled her mind. Trying to grasp just how they'd live on their own was in itself such an overwhelming concept. How? And could they? It was as if the whole world was against them. She wanted her brother to go for help but being yet too early to bother the neighbors they waited for what seemed eternity before dawn finally came around that morbid morning. What she normally would have considered a beautiful day was quickly turned into her worst nightmare. All alone in this cruel world, her mind kept twisting itself up with all kinds of questioning. Brother came back with our landlord and soon others came to pay their condolences. No matter how many friends and neighbors came the pain could not be eased by any amount of comfort. She thought it a trivial thing that the grown ups should be concerned about making sure she had breakfast. There was no hunger. And she was not about to accept any invitation without her brother accompanying her. However, her brother did insist she accept one of the neighbors gracious gift whichever was her choice. After the precious victuals were consumed she headed back home. The limited understanding which comes with young childhood only complicated matters as the grown-ups discussed how to settle everything. Then the next thing she knew they were walking down the dirt path going somewhere. It was more like she was being drug away from the only person who ever cared or loved her.Where was their travels to lead them and why? "We can't leave mama yet" she kept saying to herself half whispering half hoping it was audible enough that her brother would say something. But nothing came.'

I know that my Redeemer liveth and that at the last day I shall see my Great Aunt Hazel. However, my mother is of another story. I have no comfort in which to rest my soul but to leave her in the hands of God. And thus I stand staring at the days ahead of me. Pain. How to deal with it? And when to let go. When will I fully give myself away to Christ asking Him to bare this cross with me. Asking Him to yet bring healing in this area of my heart.